confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
When your parents check you’re ok.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”