I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
nice challenge
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.