Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.