When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Thinking about Jeff
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.