Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
sin harder.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
they finally got him. they got macavity
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
what the
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.