Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
You Might Also Like
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
synchronized noseblowing
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.