*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Still a very good boi….
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.