I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
my mind
You just read my mind
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.