My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
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