I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.