i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
new shirt idea
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.