jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Haha good job!!
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
just make the entire table out of coaster
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later