LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I’m already scared
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Fiction has to make sense.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Coffee is ready.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.