My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.