Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man