I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”