My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The little toadstool has spoken.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Whoa… oh I see lol
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.