“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.