Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.