I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
You Might Also Like
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
jesus, what did this guy do
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Hard not to take this personally
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories