she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
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It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so