“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.