A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
True?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
crying
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie