3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t