Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
You Might Also Like
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol