COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”