If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
favorite tropes as memes
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack