Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.