Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Me My dog
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.