This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password ex…
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me