“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair