I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
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Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.