[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Put a ring on it
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.