her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
That’s classic.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire