A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I am patiently waiting for your email
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The news
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Shoo shoo! 😂
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.