[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
What if all the cashiers are married?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card