There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
what’s really going on
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Before & after 😅
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Godspeed, John Glenn
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together