Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?