don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”