[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
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No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Spell check is for lasers.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?