my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
You Might Also Like
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Light as a feather, smorg as a board