I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
You Might Also Like
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.