It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
You Might Also Like
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
channeling her this year
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Hamburger Hinderer.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*