my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Britain be like