urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.