Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Breaking news:
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room