I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
classic mixup
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down