Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
i love modern commerce
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU