[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I am patiently waiting for your email
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.