Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.